21 Jul

Terminal. It’s a strange word isn’t it? When you’re younger you don’t really understand what it means but you know it’s a bad thing (or something to do with aeroplains). Most people think it equals death, but it really doesn’t. It’s just doctor speak for there is nothing else medical we can do for you right now. As a lot of you have said, that doesn’t mean that it’s definite death, that just means I’ve got to try a bit harder in the mental positivity stakes.

I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard to be positive at the moment. I know I’ve said that before and it’s scary that it’s still hard. I’m hoping I will get there. See, I still have hope.

We think that once the fluid swelling has gone down, and I’ve got rid of this chest infection, I will feel a lot better and more able to fight back. Right now I’m hardly even strong enough to have visitors – I’ve had to turn people away and that was horrible. If you come to visit, or you want to visit, then please just know that I can only really handle about an hour and once you’ve gone I have to sleep all afternoon. I am that ill at the moment.


17 Responses to “‘Terminal’.”

  1. Dee July 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Well you must have heard that line ‘Life is a terminal illness’ – but none of us ever really know when it is going to come to an end, Reminds me of a song my Dad taught me when I was only 2 or 3 yrs old –
    I’m a rambler, I’m a gambler, I’m a long way from home
    And if you don’t like me then leave me alone
    I’ll eat when I’m hungry and drink when I’m dry
    If the moonshine don’t kill me, I’ll live til I die

    I didn’t really understand any of it but always sang the last line loudly and triumphantly 🙂

    I’m sure people understand that you’re using lots of energy fighting off the infection at the moment and that you need your sleep.
    Thank you for visiting us here in cyberspace – it’s more than enough.
    Sending love and positive thoughts xxx

  2. barbara July 21, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

    Are you still having your weekend away or is it on hold?You are such a fighter-go for it Rosie-Fight.(easier said than done I know).So glad you are keeping us updated.

  3. Mike July 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

    Nice definition Rosie – ‘Terminal: Where Medicine Ends.’ The unknown beyond which the white coats can’t go. It’s not as if they can explain even the basic mechanism of consciousness, let alone show us the root of extreme emotion, so what do they know, really? They can keep the physical mechanism alive far more efficiently than they’ve ever done, but they can’t explain You. Which is why we believe you’re beating this cancer with every post, just like you’ve been beating it from the first. It’s on their side, physically, but we’re on yours. Viva Team Kilburn!

    • Lin July 21, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

      I love this post, Mike, thank you :))))))

  4. Robin July 21, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    Terminal is a horrible word ( and in relation to aeroplanes ), but there is plenty of fight in you beyond medicine. They’l keep trying and you keep fighting and a treatment will come along im sure of it, I’m thinking as positively as possible that will happen


  5. Jenny W. July 21, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    Terminal can also be ‘Terminal Hair’ which is strong, stubbon, and always comes back with a vengeance. So rosie you could be like a hair, strong, stubbon, and always fighting to be stronger.

  6. celia butler July 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    It’s very early days for you to feel positive, plus you’re fighting off infection and the aftermath of your food poisoning on top of everything else. Visitors are bound to be exhausting and the benefits need to be balanced against the energy it costs you, so you’re very wise to make visits short. Everyone understands. And you are of course visiting your many readers every time you post -we really appreciate the effort that you’re making to do this regularly even when you’re feeling so unwell. Keep resting and gather your strength. x

  7. miriammcclay July 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    Dear Rosie,
    Good to hear this post and Mike’s response is great also.
    Thinking about last post and other things HP stands for – yes it’s odd what I do in my spare time. Anyway when you’re resting maybe you could dream happily of Hoarse Pancakes, Hippy Pineapples, Hungry Pebbles, Hairy ….ok better stop there and I have no strong medication to explain this rambling. Gather strength. Thinking of you.
    Miriam. x

  8. Jane July 21, 2011 at 9:14 pm #

    Dear Rosie there are many people out here in cyberspace reading your blog, probably many since the early days although we may not have posted before this week. Please don’t feel bad for not being up to visitors ot not blogging for a couple of days. Put yourself first lovely, get your mojo back, we will always be here xx

  9. Jenny July 21, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    I never really comment much online but just wanted to say that I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I genuinely find it inspiring, not just because you’re relentless positive but because of the way you used a situation that could have been life destroying into an unselfish act of making a difference. Just on a personal level that kind of optimism, confidence and lack of self pity are personal qualities that to a certain extent you can decide to possess, you’ve clearly made this choice and reading your blog has really made me think of that and how I act in my own life. I’m not anyone special but I’m guessing if it’s been the case for me, there are plenty of others like me, who may have never really commented (I never felt like I had anything useful to say) but have been effected by what you’ve done. I think cumulatively this kind of impact on what is probably many many peoples lives is really something to be proud of.

    You can go through a long life working 9-5 watching TV and never really make a mark outside of your own small sphere. If you measure your life in terms of the good you do rather than the years you live you’ve probably already lived enough for about 10 people already with much more to come knowing you. I guess this is a long rambling way of saying you’re really impressive and I wanted to thank you for writing this blog. It’s a big deal.

  10. Sammy P July 21, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

    Great post 🙂

  11. Gaia July 22, 2011 at 6:10 am #


    I am from Sweden, and I found your website by chance…. I read this article in creativepro:


    And so I found Michael’s website:


    And from there I found you. Interesting, how we can connect to people all over the world these days.

    I just wanted to extend a message to you, from one corner of Europe to another, and say that there are many people out there who care, people you don’t even know exist. I’ve had to deal with death several times, and yet I cannot even come close to imagining what you must be going through.

    Keep being strong, and fight it… People like you make this world a beautiful place.

    Lots of love,

  12. margaret crisp July 22, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    Hi Rosie, thankyou for posting again! I too think that once the chest infection is sorted and the swelling gone down, you’ll begin to feel more positive and have a bit more energy, perhaps. I think your mum is in a good position to say to visitors that ‘time will be up after ? minutes’ – and even have an automatic timer!!! You need to tell people your boundaries!! Don’t wear yourself out, by their overstay!!
    Not a lot going on here, been for a car ride today, will cook spag.bol today.
    love mags.

    • Maz July 22, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

      I agree, When Bob was just out of ICU last summer I had lots of requests from people who wanted to visit. He simply wasnt up to it. I fielded all the requests and we kept to very close friends and his brother and sister and our sons. Without exception everyone understood and said they would email him instead so he could read their news. So have your limits and dont worry about saying no to people when you need to. When you are up to it, let people come over and watch a DVD or something so you can hear people nattering but let things go at your own pace until you are ready for a bit more. Can guarantee nobody will mind if you set limits at 5 mins or one game of cards or one cup of tea or whatever you decide.

  13. Sleepysue July 22, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    Keep up the fight ! x

  14. Chris J Dixon July 22, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    Hi Rosie, hope you are feeling a little better and more positive today?

    Rosie, Terminal is where one begins the next stage or starts a new jouney, never think as terminal meaning death because none of us know what happens to our life’s energy yet it is often seen or sensed. Even Albert Einstein said energy cannot just disappear. As far as doctors and labling terminal on a person it means they can remove certain safety magines off your next stage of pain control, a hospice doctor can use a lot more different range of new and old drugs than a normal hospital doctor can. There is no such thing as definite death, things can change and miracles have happens to people on their so called death beds too.

    Ever since I was told I can no longer can have blood transfusions after I have a server anaphylaxis shock to contaminated blood product transfusions and vitamin K when I lost more than 3 litres of blood in 15 minutes from my bowel and both kidneys the hospital labled me terminal as I have cancers and a bucket full of other problems that keeps my doctors in business all year around, lol.

    Like you Rosie I still live to the best of my abilities and enjoy everyone’s company when I can bear it just as you are doing, you are the lead control of your life and everyone around you just has to remember it is you that decides what you want to do next. No good driving to London to see the Queen just yet, or asking NASA to be launched into space (smile).

    Yep, it is hard to remain positive, but you are the light of so many people’s lives as we read your daily blog and we all continue to wish you well again. Fingers crossed your swelling will go down very soon and the chest infection will disappear too, try rubbing Vick on the sole of your feet and a little on your chest, the vick on your feet is the fastest way into your body without injecting or injesting it, works a treat on babies to adults even on asthmatics as many medic’s swear by its use this way.

    Great to hear you manage about an hour for your guests and visitors Rosie, I am not a morning person, more like a grumpy bear until after 12, then see people until 5 PM and then time to sleep on the settee or head to bed with my pussy cat to keep my legs warm. Family and close friend time is always open to us when we need them the most.

    Here is hoping you are having a better day today Rosie and things pick up soon. Sweet dreams for your afternoon kip and for tonight too, xxx

  15. ro July 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    Hi Rosie, at first I liked your definition of terminal, but then I thought about it again. I potentially want to be a palliative care doctor “when I grow up” (I qualify as a doctor next year so lots of growing up still to do, and quickly!) so I definitely want to dispute the idea that terminal is where medicine can do no more for you – there’s plenty more that medicine can do! Like antibiotics for example. Just nothing more to cure the biggest problem… but not nothing at all.

    I’m impressed/amazed that you seem to be getting your positivity back again – I imagine it’s going to fluctuate a bit. There’s no shame in that, and it is ok to feel miserable if that’s how you feel. I really hope you don’t feel like you have to put on a brave face to keep everyone happy.

    Enjoy your fancy weekend trip. Hope it’s relaxing. x

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