Post 2.

17 Jul

I don’t know what’s happened to me. I don’t know where I’ve gone. You all found me the other day with all your positivity but I’m all over the place. You can see how different the last two posts are. I was going to post again yesterday but I just didn’t know what to say, but today it’s only past 11 and I’m already onto the second one.

I hate being the reason everyone is upset. I know it’s not me but it is still me.

Most of me is upset but then there is a voice that just says no, come on, you’re going to do this. I think I need to be upset first and then I can do it..but I don’t know how long I’ll be upset for. It’s quite a difficult situation to explain. I can’t tell you how I am because it’s all messy in my head. But when I’m laughing I am actually laughing and it’s not a cover up.

You’re all helping and I honestly don’t think I could do this without you.

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20 Responses to “Post 2.”

  1. Michelle July 17, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Hi Rosie. It’s all very understandable, high, low, laughing and crying. And we’re still with you, contracted to do this whole following lark.
    Anyway, I’m off out, walking to Waitrose, need to get some shopping done and to get fit too!
    Eshaness has gone to bed, life is just too hectic for an old girl. But she is going to do ‘vibing for Rosie’ whilst she sleeps.
    I thought of you last night – we watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Thought of you when you visited the set.
    Mic

  2. miriammcclay July 17, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    If it’s helping then keep writing. We are listening. Write all the muddle that makes up you at the moment and we will catch it for you. We’re all just little piles of muddle ourselves. xx

  3. margaret crisp July 17, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    Hi Rosie, I am all over the place too!! And it’s because I, like many others feel so emotionally attached to you, and your emotions must be in overdrive, from the dark places to the sunny ones.
    Is there any way you can eat liquidized food? You need to find out as many facts as you can about what food you can or can’t eat as you need to keep hold of as much strength as possible. If you can’t have liquidized or soft food, then what do they suggest? I know there are many people who haven’t eaten ‘proper food’ for years!
    Are you still in ypu or at home now? I guess being at home will help as you are used to the routine, and you need to try and hold on to the stability of things in life. We are behind you, and I will come and see you in September as promised.
    I also meant it when I said about bags and aprons, so perhaps some research could be done about domino material. Just now, things are all a jumble, but your head will clear, and then you can decide how to proceed and what you want to do with the rest of your life so that everyone has the best memories possible, including you! This is YOUR time now, Rosie, lets make it as positive and as enjoyable as we possibly can. Make a wish bucket of achievable aims and lets go for it!! Team Kilburn has loads of back up, as can be seen by all the comments you’ve recieved in the last few days. It’s time to put the team to work!!

  4. Zoe July 17, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    Morning Rosie,We will all be on here waiting to write something back to you.Write what every you want.there are a lot of peeps out there reading this that have never posted a reply so come on peeps Rosie needs you.xxxxx
    Trudy

  5. margaret crisp July 17, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    Hi Rosie, ran out of space again!!
    Am off to a concert this afternoon, haven’t been on the bike again yet, for obvious tender reasons!!
    Thinking of you, Toby and your family, lots of love, mags.

  6. Dollydimple July 17, 2011 at 11:30 am #

    of course you feel all of a muddle, that’s normal and a part of making sense of the situation. Once you have processed the imformation things will settle down again and if writing helps this process then, keep blogging. We are all here just waiting to back you up. you have helped us all and now it’s our turn – you reap what you sow in life. All of a sudden somebody has changed the ‘game’ and not told you the rules yet – is it any wonder that you are all over the place trying to work things out? It will all come together in time. Love x

  7. jill Clayton July 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

    Hi Rosie, Of course you’re all over the place, you’ve had the emotional equivalent of being dropped out of an aeroplane. It’s enough to make anybody scared, angry and highly-strung. To add to that, you have all the love and support coming at you from all directions – which we hope helps a bit. On top of it all, you have the powerful Eshaness vibes (though I hope she’s also sending some to Michelle)!
    As others have said, tell us if there is anything we can do. Everything you’ve done over the past 3 years has inspired us all to get fighting.
    Love, Jill

    • Michelle July 17, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

      She’s vibing like mad. A little secret about Eshaness. When we got her, 18.5 years ago, she was a kicked around cat, very badly treated. Very skinny, she rasped when she breathed. The hinted that she wouldn’t last long. But at nearly 20, we’re doing well. And do you know what her original name was? Rosie. My cat, with the iron will, the strength to go on. Rosie. She’s got kidney and liver failure – had it for 2 years now, but drugs, renal flushes, mushed up food, and love, and lots and lots of sleep, keep her going. Eshaness Rosie…must be the name.
      As for me, I’m fine. MRI (if that’s what you’re on about) was just a check to see if I have a brain – no sign of it, so normality reigns šŸ™‚

  8. Alison July 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    You have an awful lot to deal with and come to terms with and so many thoughts rushing around your brain right now it is no wonder you are all at sixes and sevens. But you will eventually put everything in order, the fog will lift and you will formulate a way forward. I am sure the YPU must have specialists in place to come and talk to you too, to give you some coping mechanisms etc?

    Make the most of all of the resources around you, including us your loyal followers who are always here to listen and help in any way we can.

    Ali xx

  9. MichelleH July 17, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Well like someone said earlier you have more people in your team then you can imagine, I for one read your blog yet never comment, I started reading your blog when I did the zumbathon (i was the one with the awful leotard) so I’m a pretty late comer to your world but reading your blog you come across as a genuine, smart and pretty together woman, never doubt what you write and dont feel lost in your thoughts and feelings its what makes us all human.

    Cry, shout, laugh, get angry, smile, be happy or be sad, your network of amazing friends are all there for you……just dont do it all at the same time because that would be strange!

    xxxxx

  10. Helen July 17, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

    Rosie, I think how you are feeling is a perfectly natural reaction to what you’ve just been told. It’s big and it’s bad but you are bigger and badder (is that a word?….If not, it is now). You can fight this but you just need a bit of time to get your weapons in order. If that means you’re all over the place for a while then so what?

    I don’t have many ‘celebrity’ heroes but one of mine is Lance Armstrong. Look at what he did, he was basically told he was dead from cancer. He told cancer to get lost and went on to win 7 consecutive Tours de France. So it’s not impossible – and don’t forget, he didn’t have the mighty Eshaness on his side šŸ™‚ Hx

  11. Michelle July 17, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    I thought you might appreciate this – http://www.flickr.com/photos/33196307@N02/
    Just taken. She’s working hard, sleep and vibing for you šŸ™‚

    • jill Clayton July 17, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

      Eshaness is gorgeous! I notice that she seems to have twice as many whiskers as most cats for the better disseminations of vibes. A terrific asset for Team Kilburn

  12. Debbie July 17, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

    Hello Ro, lovely to hear from you! Twice in a day is a treat, and if you want to write 5, 8 or twenty times that’s just brilliant because we love listening to you and we need to know how you are feeling about things to be able to support you.
    Of course you are going through the whole gamut (hey, there’s a word! Means spectrum I think but no doubt dad will have a finer definition) of emotions right now. I remember once being on a course and they talked about the different stages you go through when adapting to a major change. Apparently it takes a fairly predictable pattern, whether you are dealing with the loss of a loved one, splitting up with a partner or losing your job. I’m sure someone else will know what I’m on about even from this poor description. I do of course know that what’s happening with you right now is so,so much worse than this, but still the body and the psyche have ways of coping.
    Anyway, the thing to know is that I’m pretty sure that after the initial feelings of being upset, sad – even distraught, I think the second stage is anger. I mean the healthy sort of anger that restores your fighting spirit and reaffirms that stubborn determination to f…ing beat this thing. We saw a glimmer of it on Friday, remarkably quickly, but I doubt it will be in full force until you have shed quite a few more tears.
    I am so glad that you are still laughing, and finding things funny. It is proof, if ever we needed it, of your iron will to engage with life and those around you – to say nothing of your sense of hunmour!
    Much love, Debbie

  13. Coz Al July 17, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    I think grief is one of the weirdest emotions you can have and you’ve just described so many of its effects.
    It makes it even stranger when you have grief but no one has yet gone, you are grieving because you lost your hope and that was what was keeping you going.
    All these thoughts you are having aren’t unusual and I think you will rally because the person you are won’t accept any other alternative.
    As hard as it is, give yourself permission to feel like this and acknowledge that you wouldn’t feel this way if all didn’t matter so damn much.
    Getting back on track, getting positivity back, might be a bumpy ride but you will get there because you are you; even though you sometimes can’t see how, you will get it back and we are all here desperate to help you in any way possible.

    You are my hero Ro, you inspire me all the time to be a better person and my favourite memory from our holiday was you, me and Lucy sitting by the pool telling each other some of our secrets.
    x
    al

  14. Chris J Dixon July 17, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Oh dear Rosie, sounds like reality and your cancer is trying to take over your life again. Rosie, please try and concentrate on what you would like to do rather than what is to come that you and doctors seem to be unable to control at the moment.

    Yep, when faced with terrible situations our minds and emotions run riot and we seem to drop into a soup of nightmares which are outside our control. I wish I had all the answers for you Rosie, I have seen and looked death in the face many times with a parachute accident, cancer, being shoot, having server anaphylaxis shocks and repeated blood clots travelling from both my legs to my heart and lungs after many major operations. I only survived because I refused to give in where many others had failed. If I could help you beat your tumour and take it away I would sweetheart so would everyone of your blog readers. I also know your Mum and Dad would do the same if they could because no parent should see their children suffer the way you and others at YPU are doing right now.

    Rosie, the best advice I can offer is laugh and smile as much as you can, that is because it allows your body to release endorphins that give you a feeling of well being, it also helps your body try to battle your injuries and problems. The body uses a lot less energy smiling and being happy than frowning Rosie, so if you can laugh out loud, then I would love to hear you laughing too.

    How about you recording a few video’s now for the future so they can be played when something happens so you can be there too. Mothers who have to cross over before their children get married often record messages so the video can be played at their childrens birthdays and weddings. If you want to say something to your family at a later date, may be you can record a video message for each occation. You need something to focus on and send good messages to your friends and family for the future so you can still be apart of their lives for many years to come. Also try and write a few personal letters at what you want to say to Toby and your Mum, dad and family for the future, try and make them laugh through your writings so they can remember all the good times you have had together.

    Rosie, you are one special young lady that has been brave enough to bring many people with you through these good and bad times. Lots of people are going to remember the bad times but you as a special lady can also bring the bright star of light and laughter so they can also remember the good times everyone has had writing and talking with you too. I for one have had the pleasure to get to know you not just as a young lady, but also know what your inner feelings are that as reminded me what I went through during each accidents, operations and fight for survival. Even now just being diagnosed with secondary cancer in my chest I can share those experiences and how we both have battled with them in ways many others have never heard of. Through your writing doctors and patients will be able to develop new ways to help patients, which means you made a big difference.

    Please smile and laugh when you read this, the real fight is for our spirit and well being, not what is happening to our ailing body. Try and remain positive and celebrate every day the best you can just as I do too.

    Hope the hospital can get you some nicer tasting liquids if solid food is off the menu, try and imagine a big plate of food put into a liquidizer and made into a soup, I lived on liquids for over 3 months before being able to eat again, best part of liquid food is you can lay in bed watching TV and not getting food on the hospital bed blankets which then the nurses would got spare at us and threaten us with bed baths with cold water and throwing us out of bed yet again, just thinking of that made me enjoy the liquid lunch and shiver at the thought of having a cold wet bed bath, lol. Daft things we remember about our long stays in hospital hey Rosie, bet you have some funny stories to tell too?

    Lots of big vibes and big hugs too Rosie, xxx

  15. Deb Walker July 17, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    You’re never alone Rosie!
    There is so much more ……
    ‘Standing’ with you … as they say in battle šŸ˜‰

    Love Deb xxxxxxxxxxx

  16. Steph July 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

    Okay, I know it looks like I’ve been avoiding you but to be honest every sentence that’s come into my head since Thursday has had serious swearing in it so I thought I’d better hold off. Now I’m here I want to say something deep but compared to the wonderful replies you’ve had I’m too illiterate. I thought of trying to say something light, a joke perhaps, but blow me, nothing’ll come. So all I’m going to say is take heart from all the replies you’ve had, so many, many, many people care about you – what pride I feel to say that of my niece!
    Keep up the effing fighting talk Kilburn!!
    Tons of love
    Steph, Nick, Pete and Sam xxxx

  17. kerrymeek. July 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    Hello šŸ™‚
    I don’t really know you but I’m in year 11 at newent school and I remember when you first set up the knock on effect. You have done so much, and I think you are such an amazing role model to so many people. You have managed to stay so strong when it must of been bloody hard so, keep going and stay stong and keep fighting right to the end. You have so much support behind you, and you really have made a difference. I really admire your courage and you are such an inspiration. Keep going!! lots of love and hugs šŸ™‚ xxxxxxx

  18. Chris J Dixon July 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    Rosie, have you got any wishes you would still like to do or achieve? I have had friends who want to talk to astronauts and cosmonauts in space, others just want to see or experience something new whilst they can. Some friends even wanted to meet Her Majesty the Queen, Prince William or Prince Harry.

    Is there anything you would like to do that someone here might be able to grant?

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