Is this my life now?

17 Jul

Waking up in the morning aching. Being hungry but unable to feed. Saving up my energy (spoons) for just a visitor. Dreaming of not being able to swallow. Planning my funeral..

I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on with me. One minute I’ll be laughing (yes! Full on laughing) and the next I’ll be thinking of all the things I won’t get to do – See Sylvie and Calum grow up, watch Sylvie get married, go to uni, buy a house, protect my little siblings from the big wide world, etc. I know I should be thinking of all the things I have done but they don’t compare to me actually being my own older person.

I keep thinking of mum and dad after ‘it happens’ and how they’ll have so much to do and it will be horrible. My room will have to be cleared out, post will come with my name on it, they’ll go to restaurants and order tables for 5 by accident.

I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about when I did that post about death a while ago. You should have sat me down and told me not to be so naive and stupid. Death is horrible. I feel like a ticking time bomb, although I have finally agreed that if it was to be imminent then they would have told us.

The tumour is so big. I feel out of my depth.


11 Responses to “Is this my life now?”

  1. Same little girl July 17, 2011 at 9:45 am #

    I am so sorry you are having such a tough time, I have been following your blog for quite some time and I am very sad to hear the news. Sending love and wishes x

  2. Michelle July 17, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    Rosie, there’s not much I can say, apart from you weren’t being naive, but honest. Death is something that we all have to face, it’s the only certainty in life. But I would feel out of my depth too.
    Really wish I could help. Mic

  3. miriammcclay July 17, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    Dear Rosie,
    I discovered a new word that I want to share with you – belum. It’s Indonesian and it means not yet. xx

  4. Serena July 17, 2011 at 10:24 am #

    Thinking of you , and a extra big hug

  5. Lin July 17, 2011 at 10:31 am #


  6. celia butler July 17, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    I think everything you’re describing is part of the grief process. Just a couple of things to say, Rosie. The first is that people you love are always with you. That isn’t a religious statement, but the legacy of the way someone lives their life. So you will always be with Sylvie and Calum and your mum and dad and all those other people every day (including those important occasions). And the other is that people find incredible strength from somewhere when dealing with these very difficult situations (I think you are a shining example of that). So your mum and dad will cope; yes, it might be horrible but they’ll get through day by day. That’s all anyone can do after all, because no-one knows what will happen tomorrow. Hoping that you’re feeling a bit less achey and have managed to eat, x

  7. Michelle July 17, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    To echo what Celia has said, when someone dies they are always with you.
    My Dad is forever in my head and in my heart. And for you, you’ll be forever with your Mum, Dad, Calum, Sylvie, Toby, and all your relatives and friends. You’ll live on because you’ve done such things that some of us only dream of. You’ve reached out and touched people, hey, how bloody marvellous are you.
    I hope you realise this, believe me, you need to know that you’re more of a star than any of those stupid famous people 🙂

  8. Georgina July 17, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    Hi darling
    When someone dies they carry on living in the hearts of the many people who know and love them. They are remembered at many times and you know that our family has that experience. Dear young lady – you are STİLL here – that is what is important at the moment, enjoy everything that you can – can you still eat chocolate? Enjoy the sun on you and the rain, your favourite music, hugs, your family and your many, many friends.
    Lots of love and sunny hugs from me ın Turkey – Georgina xxxxx

  9. Robin July 17, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Im totally out fo my depth now trying to write something that can somehow do any good atall and realising that I can’t.

    I cant understand this, I cant imagine having to think about things like you have to, I just have no idea how you are feeling or what you are going through.

    This is a shit reply but I just dont know what to write. Im so sorry. Just had to write something.

    Thinking of you, just like everyone else, many people who have never met you yet still been touched by you forever


  10. Rv July 18, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while- I saw your blog forever ago in the Guardian and cause I’m a medical student I thought I’d have a read because it is good to remember that hospital patients are people with lives that are 99.99% not being at the hospital and because it is so good I just kept reading. Anyway, I’m very sorry to hear your news, there is really nothing good anyone can possibly say about it. Give yourself time to deal with all the horrible emotions that come with news like this because the temptation is to push them out the way and ignore them- but then they’ll come back haunting you at 4am.

    If you haven’t already, start bugging your local palliative care team- everyone thinks “scary death team” when they hear the words but I think they need rebranding as “quality of life improvers”- they might be able to the aching and the hunger and the no energy. Plus a big study in the US found they helped people live longer- so start on them to get all the help you can get. Why feel rubbish if there is any possibility you don’t have to?

  11. Natalie Bones July 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    Rosie, I think it is more than acceptable for you to feel however you want to feel. Just go with it 🙂 xxx

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