16 Jul

I don’t know what to say. You all know exactly how to bring mr positivity back around don’t you!

I’m sorry I had to leave you waiting until yesterday evening, but there were people I wanted to tell in person first, as I’m sure you completely understand.

I’m here, I’m still here. I have a horribly cruel joke now where I wake up and tell everyone I’m still alive. I think I need to get these nasty, nearly-not-acceptable jokes out there and then it’ll be okay.

Gosh. I’m blown away. The support is just perfect, but wouldn’t it just be so fabulous if this was some publicity stunt just to sell some more tshirts? I’m afraid it’s not. It’s still something that I can’t push out of my head yet – I am feeling a lot better after yesterday, but this weekend has been written off for grief. (How silly, I can’t grieve for myself!)
Yesterday was a hard day. Yesterday was just getting the most important people to me and making them feel like shit. Because this is shit. How dare the doctors say that to me? How dare they turn around after they had PROMISED to make me better, pull all the crutches away and say you’re on your own now.


When you signed up to read this you signed up to a contract to go through all this with me. You’ve done well on the first step..well we’re still at the starting line really – you’ve done well at the initiation, but this is where it gets tough. This is going to be gritty, but I can also promise it is going to be so much more. This cancer is not going to know what’s happened, it will regret the day that it ever thought to mess with me.

Fucking go Team Kilburn okay? We’re going to fucking do this.


33 Responses to “Speechless.”

  1. julia July 16, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    I can feel that tumour shrinking in fright already…..go girl!

  2. Sara July 16, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    GO TEAM KILBURN!!!! xxxx

  3. Lin July 16, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Mornin’ flower
    Been reading all the comments on your last post and wishing I had the skill to write some of the things that others have said – but I don’t
    Now I have read this and I have only one thing to say

    Rosalind Eleanor Kilburn, you are f***ing amazing, and you blow me away – every day.
    ……and I love you, a LOT!! – that seems to be 2 things 😀

    You know where I am if you need me, babe:))) xxxxxxx

  4. Alison July 16, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    Too right you are going to give it a kicking and too right we are all in for the long term Rosie. No quitters here!

    Is there anything you really really want to do or would like because I for one would be willing to help in any way I can to achieve it/acquire it? I am talking about something for YOU, a special day out etc?

    Ali xx

  5. Mike July 16, 2011 at 10:16 am #


    dayum straight!

  6. Bob Pritchard July 16, 2011 at 10:18 am #


    We love you Ro, and we’re with you all the way. Always were.

  7. Eileen Richards July 16, 2011 at 10:33 am #

    Rosie, you go girl! I am in awe of your strength. If anyone can crack this, you can. Do it for us all!!

  8. Andy Beach July 16, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    I tried to write a comment yesterday but couldn’t find the words – everything I wrote seemed so trite and irrelevant in the face of the news. But now, well – your positivity is truly amazing – YOU are truly amazing.

    To echo some of the comments made: we are with you all the way – we CAN beat this thing (my neighbour is testament, given only 12 months 5 years ago!) – what can we do FOR YOU – what can we do on your behalf? Just say the word and if it can be done, it will be!

    I wish I knew you better because I know I would be better for it.


  9. margaret crisp July 16, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    Hi Rosie, GO GET’EM KILBURN!!
    love mags.

  10. miriammcclay July 16, 2011 at 11:34 am #

    Dear Rosie,
    Can I echo the message from many of your replies here and say …if you need my help in any way, particularly if it’s to do something bonkers, then please ask. xx

  11. celia butler July 16, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    You can and must grieve for yourself, it’s part of this process along with the anger and all the other feelings. But you can have complete confidence that your blog addicts aren’t going anywhere (and it looks as though there are many many more of those than we knew before). Strength in numbers to support our Team Leader however we can. Love to you all. x

  12. Coz Al July 16, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    Oh yeh, this is going to get UGGGGLEEE! Totally messing with the wrong person. xxxxx

  13. Debbie July 16, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Hi Rosie,
    You probably don’t remember me but I am Cathy, Debbie’s niece (we met many moons ago when you were small and I wasn’t so round)! It was about 9 years ago out at Portland Bill, where we attempted to catch crabs and fish, with Callum and your Dad, before my boyfriend managed to throw the net out to sea, and spent the next hour trying to retreive it! I’m pretty sure that we all left him to it and went and had a cup of tea (a sign of how sensible you were, even at that age)!
    I’ve been keeping up-to-date via Deb and was very sad to read your blog, however I felt compelled to tell you what an inspiration you are and how today’s blog show’s your positivity and defiance.
    I really do wish you the very best and keep fighting!

  14. Dollydimple July 16, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I saw this and thought of you …..She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. Her love is unconditional. There’s only one thing… wrong with her. She forgets what she’s worth! Today is ‘…love u day.’ Pass this to every beautiful woman you know. Remind her that she’s unique.

    I just passed it to you. You are unique, inspirational, amazing. Keep being you and live life to the max! x

  15. Chris J Dixon July 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    Good afternoon Rosie, great to hear you are feeling more positive today after reading everyone’s response to your sad news. All the time you remain positive, the better you can feel and the more chance your body can fight it too. Yep, the power of thought can be a very positive thing when everyone is routing for you too. Time to knock that problem you have to hell and back again.

    Remember every day you wake is another day to show the world you are a born survivor, I always tell those I see that “I am still here” (like a bad penny) and smile at them too, you too are a born survivor as you have already shown to all of us, you keep going Rosie, you are an incredible young lady with a flare to tell the world what it is like to fight this terrible disease.

    Lots of love to you, Toby and the family, xxx

  16. Jan - Bristol July 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    Right then Team Kilburn! plan of action please! a list of all the things you ever wanted to do…. it can be a very long list ’cause as you said, you dont know timescale and we’re working on positive here , so we’ve got plenty of time to squash loads in.

    I reckon you should start with a Tat (or have you already got some?)… x

  17. Michelle July 16, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    Go Team Kilburn. Supporting you and the Kilburn team.
    Do you know yours is the only blog I follow daily? The only one I find interesting? Full of interesting stuff, and lovely people too. All because of you.
    Take care, Mic and Eshaness too x

  18. Claire July 16, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

    Well that’s one hell of a comeback, girl! I thought you might have to gather yourself for a bit longer, so good to hear the fight back in your voice……..voice?…..fingertips?
    Yes, telling the people you love bad news is just the pits. I bet your medical team feel pretty shitty too. So what’s the first exciting thing you do? Apart from battling that wicked, evil beastly tumour……how ungrateful can it get, you actually took it on holiday with you!!
    Love to you & yours xxxxxx

  19. Carrie July 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    Go Team Kilburn!
    Of course you can grieve for yourself, for having to adjust your expectations for the future. But you are absolutely not on your own, Rosie – just look at all the support behind you, even from people like me who have never even met you! You are so loved and an inspiration to so many people. We are all behind you. xxx

  20. Becks July 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    WOOO! GO ROSIE GO!You’re back!!! team Kilburn all the way!! you should make Team kilburn T-shirts!!

  21. Josie July 16, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    You are an exceptional person.
    Your thoughts on your cancer and your life reveal to us all something amazing about the mystery of life and the human spirit.
    If I had been in your position, after the news on Thursday, I would have thought ‘right, the blog is over’. And yet you didn’t say that.
    You really are exceptional.
    We have so much to learn from you.
    … and yes, you can grieve for yourself, it’s essential.
    lots & lots & lots of love,

  22. Sue Lawrance July 16, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    It cannot cripple LOVE
    It cannot shatter HOPE
    It cannot corrode FAITH
    It cannot destroy PEACE
    It cannot kill FRIENDSHIP
    It cannot suppress MEMORIES
    It cannot silence COURAGE
    It cannot invade the SOUL
    It cannot steal ETERNAL LIFE
    It cannot conquer THE SPIRIT

    Love, Laugh, Hope, Dream, Believe

    Not my words Rosie but my sentiment -thinking of you all Sue Lawrance

    • Deb Walker July 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

      Totally agree with Sue!

      Also, I have read a book of the same title …. and those chapter headings ….. found it really encouraging during my treatment days 🙂 Awesome!

      Love to you and all at home
      Deb and gang xxxxxxxxxxx

  23. SamS July 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Hi Rosie,
    I work with the “other” Sammy / SammyJay at Hope and have only really been following your blog for the last 2-3 weeks (I know, I know, sorry!!). Having said that and having read yesterday’s blog I just wanted to add my total admiration to what everyone else has already said.
    I hope your fighting spirit stays strong and that you feel buoyed up by everyone’s obvious love and support for you.

  24. Natalie Bones July 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm #


  25. Elliot July 16, 2011 at 7:44 pm #

    Something just came to mind, a little expression from February 2008:

    All For One and One For All.

    Team Kilburn is still strong and we will fight alongside you Ro, as we always have done. Funnily enough, Enter Shikari lyrics have sprung to mind too:

    We are the world and we are the people
    We are the world and we are the people
    And we will be heard
    We will be together against this
    We will be forever against this.

    Now let’s go get ’em!! 🙂

    All my love

    Elliot Leaver xxx

  26. carol lewis July 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    Oh Rosie Rosie Rosie, what can I say, just read Friday & Saturdays blog, you have brought me to tears, what a crappy disease cancer is, it robs you & everyone around you of everything, I want to swear like a navvy because I feel so peed off now but I cant because I am now a grandmother & grannies shouldnt F & blind. Just get the face on & stare it in the face & tell it to bog off, You know you can fight it, I’m in Team Kilburn & you have my support all the way.

  27. Mike July 16, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    All aboard!

  28. Nigel July 16, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    We’ve never met but I think of you as a friend. You are strong, brave and beautiful. My heart and prayers are with you. xx

  29. Robin July 17, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    You are absolutely fuckin amazing Rosie ( this will be the only post i ever use the F word, it just seems like im allowed today for some reason, because you are loads more than amazing, and no other word seems to ram the point home quite like the good old f word which probably means that I lack a certain vocabulary but…. )

    I am with you all the way, however hard it is to read I know it will be worth it.

    You make me better and Im in awe of you


  30. Cara July 17, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    Hi Rosie,

    I am astounded by your latest news, though believe absolutely in your strength and positivity to get through all of this.

    I am reading a book by Arthur Frank at the mo called ‘The Wounded Storyteller’ and thought it applied a lot to your circumstances, your blog and how you help others. At the risk of sounding a bit pretenious (moi?!) I thought I’d post a quote:

    ‘As wounded, people may be cared for, but as storytellers, they care for others. The ill, and all those who suffer, can also be healers. Their injuries become their source of the potency of their stories. Through their stories, the ill create empathic bonds between themselves and their listeners. These bonds expand as the stories are retold. Those who listened then tell others, and the circle of shared experience widens. Because stories can heal, the wounded healer and wounded storyteller are not separate, but are different aspects of the same figure’.

    Thinking of you and your family, and along with everyone else here – sending positive vibes to you!! YOU CAN DO THIS!

    Cara Xx

  31. Milo F July 17, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    COME ON ROSIE!!! xxxxxxxxxxx

  32. shell July 18, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    I love your possitive attitude Kilburn! we will be there all the way! your like William Wallace and us your loyal army!

    …….it will never take your freeedom!!!

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