I know I’ve just posted and I know you’re all out doing something fun without me (and don’t tell me you’re not because my views have gone right down so I know, I KNOW) but I’ve had something on my mind. It’s just a subject and I haven’t even really thought about what I would write so I’m just going to wing it. This is a cancer blog and it doesn’t even come up on google when you type in cancer blog, although I haven’t tried ‘cancer blog UK’ but I’m hoping if I write the words cancer blog enough in this sentence then it will move up in the google stakes. But yeah so this is a cancer blog and with cancer blogs you talk about cancer and one of the subjects is what happens when you’re going downhill and everyone else can tell you’re going downhill but you don’t know because you’re caught up in being achey (which I am again now I jinxed it by saying I wasn’t in the last post), do people still read on just knowing that one day there won’t be a post and they think ‘oh no no, it’s okay she’s just having a day off’ and then the weeks pass and eventually there is a lone comment from mum saying I’m afraid she reached the bottom of the hill and now she’s under it. Does everyone know? Does everyone know when you’re getting worse? I don’t think I would know if I was getting worse..and I’m certain if I was then no one would tell me and I’m not sure if I would want to know.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. Or what I’m asking really. A couple of nights ago I called Dad into my room and asked if I was going downhill. He said no, but once I get something in my head I’m sure everyone else is lying about it. I think I’m just caught up in this food poisoning really, but that’s the question – how do you know when you’re going downhill? What counts as ‘going downhill’? It must be the very very end when there is nothing else to do and when you’re weak as weak can be..but I feel weak..yet I don’t need oxygen. I don’t know it’s just something that’s playing on my mind and I’m 19 for christs sake! I shouldn’t be wondering things like this! And, jesus, I’m not even ill enough to be thinking about that sort of thing…. .. … But how do you know? How do you know when?