Cancer blog.

6 Jul

I know I’ve just posted and I know you’re all out doing something fun without me (and don’t tell me you’re not because my views have gone right down so I know, I KNOW) but I’ve had something on my mind. It’s just a subject and I haven’t even really thought about what I would write so I’m just going to wing it. This is a cancer blog and it doesn’t even come up on google when you type in cancer blog, although I haven’t tried ‘cancer blog UK’ but I’m hoping if I write the words cancer blog enough in this sentence then it will move up in the google stakes. But yeah so this is a cancer blog and with cancer blogs you talk about cancer and one of the subjects is what happens when you’re going downhill and everyone else can tell you’re going downhill but you don’t know because you’re caught up in being achey (which I am again now I jinxed it by saying I wasn’t in the last post), do people still read on just knowing that one day there won’t be a post and they think ‘oh no no, it’s okay she’s just having a day off’ and then the weeks pass and eventually there is a lone comment from mum saying I’m afraid she reached the bottom of the hill and now she’s under it. Does everyone know? Does everyone know when you’re getting worse? I don’t think I would know if I was getting worse..and I’m certain if I was then no one would tell me and I’m not sure if I would want to know.

I don’t even know what I’m saying. Or what I’m asking really. A couple of nights ago I called Dad into my room and asked if I was going downhill. He said no, but once I get something in my head I’m sure everyone else is lying about it. I think I’m just caught up in this food poisoning really, but that’s the question – how do you know when you’re going downhill? What counts as ‘going downhill’? It must be the very very end when there is nothing else to do and when you’re weak as weak can be..but I feel weak..yet I don’t need oxygen. I don’t know it’s just something that’s playing on my mind and I’m 19 for christs sake! I shouldn’t be wondering things like this! And, jesus, I’m not even ill enough to be thinking about that sort of thing…. ..    …  But how do you know? How do you know when?


21 Responses to “Cancer blog.”

  1. Michelle July 6, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Are you wanting a serious answer or not?
    Non serious one – how do you know if you’re going downhill, well, you hit 50, you have hot flushes, night sweats, put on weight that won’t go, your migraines go do-lally, your memory starts going (though that could be the daily preventatives you’re on for said migraines), you fall over a lot – and you haven’t even been drinking, and you just want to sleep all day – or at least a bit at night 🙂
    Serious one, I’m not sure. I think my Mum knew. In fact I know she knew. And my father in law did too, he was fine and then suddenly he wanted to stop. But they were both old, and you, most certainly are not 🙂
    I think you’ve got miles in you and your brakes are working fine, You just need a bit of disc replacement to stop you hurtling anywhere. Once you’ve had some R&R you’ll be okay.
    Take care, Mic

  2. Alison July 6, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    I am on hols but reading all your updates. I guess as Michelle says you just know. Having had campylobacter I know it knocks you for six, add in your drugs etc and the fact you feel yuck is unsurprising! Chin up, hope the tests go well with no bum prodding lol and here’s to some better weather arriving for you to enjoy.

    Ali xxxx

  3. jill Clayton July 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    You can’t know. Not really. From my earliest years I remember my father saying “I am not a well man.” He qualified as a teacher but was not allowed to take the job because his health was so poor. He was 21.
    It killed him – at the age of 81 by which time he had 3 children and 7 grandchildren. He’d worked 35 years as an industrial chemist. His wife, our mother, died at 71.
    About 25 years ago, I went to the doctor with shortness of breath. He sounded my chest, got me to blow into a tube and filled out a form for me to have a chest X-ray that afternoon. I knew that was it: either cancer or tb.
    I went in on the bus and had one of those passport-type photos taken (needed for my job)
    It was asthma – and mild at that. You never know.
    (The photo looks terrible.)

  4. Mike July 6, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

    Perhaps everyone’s different. My best friend died a couple of years ago last February, and she knew. I’ve still got the text from after her scan the previous October: “scan not good. Speak to you later x”. By that time we were separated by miles and she wouldn’t pick up the phone – well, she’d pick it up and drop it immediately. She knew, though she put such a brave face on it later – just the bravest girl i’ve ever known. She knew and she faced it, and I read about you facing it and fighting it and I think you’re going to beat it. No question.

  5. Claire July 6, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    or……..the note from your mum will say “Sorry, Rosie’s busy being better & really can’t be bothered to blog any more”
    Bet you forget about us before we forget about you xxx
    Maybe this is evening-before-scan-wobbly-blues, & your views may be down but I’ll have checked in 3 times tomorrow before you write. Spwmp!! (thats a blown kiss noise)

  6. Dee July 6, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    I was reading the blog of this guy in Canada called Derek. He was a real techie and had been blogging as soon as blogs were invented and then podcasting as soon as that was invented. Anyway, he got diagnosed with bowel cancer and included all of that in his blog too. He wrote quite a lot about how much of his work was ‘out there’, online and how to collect and manage it so that it would stay accessible and coherent. Although we didn’t realise it, he also pre-wrote his final blog entry to be posted after his death, by his wife. It was characteristically down-to-earth and moving.

    I think you can feel as though you’re going downhill but can’t really know whether it is downhill —–> stop, or downhill —–> whoosh, gain momentum and back up again. I suppose you can’t stop it playing on your mind, but if you can’t control it, you have to go back to what you can control and what’s important to you – on almost an hourly basis.

    Anyway, I googled cancer blog uk and you were 4th and 5th on the first page. It IS holiday season, and festival season so probs a few thousand of us were sitting in fields with no signal – aaargh. Always check in as soon as I can though – we’ve been here through a few downs and ups. Here’s to a lot more ups! xxx

  7. Sue Trevethan July 7, 2011 at 6:24 am #

    Hey Rosie, Some very wise words above i agree with them all esp Claire…. Chin up for today and best foot forwards. Its tough but you can do it , never stop believeing that people care about you and are right there beside you willing you on! We have all your Tee Shirts stacked up in our office ready to go out this weekend and i’m sure Sammy Jay will keep you updated with the outcome x

  8. margaret crisp July 7, 2011 at 7:52 am #

    Hi Rosie, I think a lot of people actually know if they are about to die – and actually almost want to, to be at peace. They want serenity and dignity but have lost all interest in the outside world and in any future long before. Certainly that can be the case with older people, who seem to see the end as a welcome relief- as may do the family, once they have come to terms with the idea.
    Thank goodness you are NOT along that road. As you say, you get a few hiccups, and have had quite a few knockbacks with food poisoning etc, but generally you pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with weaving your own road of blogger, actress, shopkeeper, fund raiser, writer…..
    As Claire says, we may well one day get a blog from your mum saying Rosie’s out again, with not enough time to blog!
    Good luck today and with the young person’s unit. Catch up with you in your next blog…and by the way, I look in probably 5 times a day to see if you’ve written!
    Am off shopping, not much to get but could do with a new sudoku book!
    love mags.

  9. Julia July 7, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    I’ve just looked all the way back to your holiday blogs, remember you were feeling good and having fun! If you hadn’t had the food poisoning you most probably wouldn’t be feeling like this.

  10. celia butler July 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    I think fifth place out of approaching 100 million cancer blogs is pretty impressive!
    Wise words from previous posters, but to use a cycling analogy, the good thing about the downhill bits is that they let you build up some momentum for the uphill bits that come next.
    That food poisoning bug would make anyone feel weak and low, let alone someone whose immune system has already taken a battering. I’m sure you’ll be striding up that hill again before too long. x

  11. Pip Armstrong July 8, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    Campylobacter is a nasty nasty bug, Julia is quite correct, only a couple of weeks ago you were having fun in Spain so be patient, rest up, fill yourself with vitamins and eat and drink as well as you can and you’ll be climbing right back up that hill before you know it x

  12. jill Clayton July 8, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    I just typed in Rosie uk. I got various suggestions, including an MP with “Early Day Motions.” Ah, I thought, that’s the campylobacter.”
    (For those who don’t know, an EDM is an MP’s chance to put something forward for debate.)

  13. margaret crisp July 8, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    Hi Rosie, hope you’re ok….its a wet day here which is a pity as had planned a cycle ride. Instead spent the morning translating for septic tank man!!
    Have recieved a commission for an apron so may do some sewing this afternoon if not on a trek!
    love mags.

  14. jill Clayton July 8, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    If I add “blog” to the “Rosie uk” search term, I get you third reference down on “Page 3 of about 5,840,000 results”
    Those results include the MP and a glamour model!

  15. jill Clayton July 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    This is becoming addictive. I promise I’ll stop after this one. If you just type in “Rosie cancer”, you’re the fourth one down! The previous 3 slots are taken up by Rosie O’Donnell, of whom I’ve never heard but she seems to be some sort of celebrity.
    All over the world, people who can’t remember the name of the blog but know YOU, are checking into your site. Hundreds of us, every day. We rejoice with your successes and appreciate the way you try to let us down gently when it’s depressing. Hang on in there!

  16. Rosie's Mum July 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    So, there we were. Just about to get in the car for the YPU in Birmingham, happy that everything was planned to find out just what is causing Rosie to be so ill. And the internal bleeding started. So we had to go to the nearest hospital instead, which is Gloucester. Bleed is a small one but she also has a chest infection and no one is very keen to move her up the motorway to the YPU until all her vital signs have stabilised. She is fed up. Very very very very fed up. She’s trying hard to win the highest temperature competition on the ward though, to keep her spirits up.

  17. Michelle July 8, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

    Oh Rosie, what a to-do.
    Would you like me to send you some of my coldness. I’m frozen.
    Sending you loads and loads of vibes, and good wishes, and I hope you get better soon.
    Mic and Eshaness the cat

  18. Alison July 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    Darn, hope they sort it quickly, get your temp down and get you out of there pronto.

    Ali xx

  19. Rose Mayerling July 8, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

    Hi Rose from weymouth here , Westfield Rose !!!!! , sending lots of love to you all , love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  20. Robin July 8, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    lord give me mercy

    really sorry rosie n im thinking of you and just want it to all get better for you so much

    stay strong


  21. Katie July 9, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

    Rosiee.. bounce on your hospital bed… when we were 8 that made everything less rubbish. Get better sooon, love you lots and lots xxxx

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