I don’t know whether to tell you this.

13 Nov

It’s 12:53am and I can’t sleep.

I’ve just spent the last half an hour thinking about the letter that I would write to my daughter if I died before her wedding day. I mean like the letter that would be given to her on her wedding day from me if I wasn’t there. So pretty much, in my head, I have decided I am going to die before my daughters wedding day. Die young.

Not just that. I have decided that I am infertile because of the last TACE and so it would be my adopted daughter and then I was thinking about how I would have to ask all the people I knew who were adopted (all 2 of them) when would be the right time to tell the kid and would I adopt a boy or a girl first?

Then I was thinking about Rebecca – the girl who has the same cancer as me and gets treated at QE. She’s like 20 or something and she’s already married…does she think she’s gonna die young? So needed to get it out the way? Well anyway..I haven’t seen her for a while, so I was thinking about how I would ask Dan (my oncologist) if she was okay..and in my head I’m already imagining the answer to be no.

You have to bear in mind though that I don’t want children until I’m at least 28..if I get my career going before that..who knows what time I’m going to be able to start that if I need to get treatment out the way. You can’t be having operations and procedures whilst trying to make it out there. (Where is ‘out there’?) Well for all I know I could be put on these drugs and then just have to stay on them for the rest of my life..so this career bit might go to plan.

I’m not sad right now. I’m feeling..grown up but not in the ‘growing up’ kind of way. In the way that I feel like I’m thinking about something so important but I’m not old enough to think about important things. My brow is furrowed. Furrowed? The word doesn’t look right but it sounds right.

It’s taking me a while to decide whether to publish this because I don’t really want any feedback on it..I just want to write it and put it out there because otherwise it will bother me. It’s not positive thinking but I don’t really think it’s negative thinking either because it’s not making me sad. I think the reason it’s not making me sad is because maybe I’ve become so used to the idea of cancer now that it’s just what I’ve decided is my thing. It’s just the way it is. I don’t really know what kind of thinking that is. I think it’s a ‘just see what happens next’ thing.

Something is bothering me now but I don’t know what it is. I want to keep writing but I don’t know what to write.

If you feel like you’re going to die from cancer, but you’re not scared and you’re just ready and the time you had leading up to it was spent making the most of it and you could see the pros of dying (no washing up etc) and you haven’t got any unfinished business and you’ve made sure that everyone is set ready for their future then I think that’s positive. That’s acceptable because you haven’t suffered, you’ve survived as best you can for as long as you can. Because you will have done everything you could to prevent it but if everything else has been exhausted then you have no other option – you just have to go with pride and dignity.

I don’t know if I’m explaining myself right..I know what I’m trying to say and it’s not a sad subject – it need’s to be said really. Hum.

1:15am and I’m not feeling sleepy :/


6 Responses to “I don’t know whether to tell you this.”

  1. jill Clayton November 13, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    As you’ve asked, i’m not commenting, just reminding you that we’re all out here thinking of you. Love, Jill

  2. Robin November 13, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Sorry for giving u feedback, but I need to tell you that you have changed my life and my way of thinking. I am in awe of you. You hit the nail on the head all the time. Thankyou for being you x

  3. Dollydimple November 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm #

    No comment!!! x

  4. Ali November 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm #

    No comment on the content but big hugs and hope you got some sleep in the end.

    Ali xx

  5. Deb Walker November 14, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

    Understanding …. x

  6. Lin November 16, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

    You can always call me if u can’t sleep…..most nites still awake at 1am as I am a crap sleeper these days:) Luv/hugz/kisssssses

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