18 Aug

I’m having a lonely couple of minutes :(. I turned my computer off and then went upstairs to brush my teeth and stuff and then I got upset about friday and came back downstairs and turned my computer back on so that I could talk to you. Because it feels like I am talking to you when I’m on here, I would have woken up mum but I didn’t want to wake her up..she wouldn’t mind at all but yeah no.

I just so badly don’t want to be injected. It is literally that first bit that I don’t want and when I think about it it makes me wretch. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world, first it’s the injection and then when they put the wire in it’s just eughhh..I told you, didn’t I, that it goes in at the top of the leg? GROIN AREA. Yeah. :'(. It feels like something is moving around under the skin and trying to force the skin away from the err..underneath bit. I so badly don’t want to do it 😥 Can’t I just have another resection instead? They are so much easier :(. Or chemo. I wouldn’t even mind losing all my hair again if I don’t have to have these 10 seconds of pain. I don’t understand why I hate it so much and I bet you’re all thinking ‘come on now, it’s just 10 seconds, that’s easy’ – but it’s horrible. It’s that bit that gets me so worked up in the first place which makes the rest of it horrible. Yeah you can stop thinking that because I’m actually having an operation whilst I’m awake! That’s a big deal! There was talks of having an epidural and stuff but I don’t know what it feels like to have that put in whilst you’re awake (might be worse!) and then I would have to have a catheter (pee tube) put in and I really wouldn’t want to do that whilst I was awake! Eughh.

Thing is though. . . When I had my first one of these I don’t remember it being such a big deal..And I don’t really remember as much..I think the most recent time I’ve had a TACE I’ve been more with it yano so I think I may have felt it more.. I’m gonna ask them if they can give me something to be more not with it..If they say no then I’ll just work myself up and then they’ll HAVE to give me something ahahahha :).

I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening 🙂


8 Responses to “Lonely.”

  1. jill Clayton August 19, 2010 at 6:16 am #

    Like everybody else, I’m always listening whenever you want to “talk.” With people all round the world logging on to your site, there will be somebody listening as soon as you post.
    I like the new T-shirt design but it’s not me. Jill

  2. Lucy August 19, 2010 at 6:33 am #

    😦 We are all here for you Ro, we understand your fear, even if we can’t imagine what its like. Nearest I can put it to is having an Amniocentisis when I was pregnant with Meece, it was the most terrifying thing I had ever had to decide to do, I didn’t want it (but knew that it ‘could’ potentially help/hinder the baby), I was pretrified (even though I had people there supporting me), The sensation was just weird and freeky (I had this bump that they were about to burst like a balloon with a GIANT needle). It all turned out well in the end though as you could see on Monday when that ‘baby’ was trying to overfeed ted! We are all here listening Ro. Maybe a silly question but have you tried meditation, I’ve heard that help zone you out – definitely go with the drugs first though! 🙂 Big hug xx

  3. mags August 19, 2010 at 6:40 am #

    Hi Rosie, hugs coming your way…I am sorry that I can’t do more to allay your fear, being so far away. I do hope that it all passes off better than your expectations…perhaps, as you say you can ask for something to help.
    Shopping this morning, am looking forward to it – must be ‘cos we don’t always get out much! Must vacuum before I go, then it’ll be neat and tidy to come back to!
    Positive vibes from me, thinking of you lots,
    love mags.

  4. mags August 19, 2010 at 6:41 am #

    Hi Jill…remember me, margaret Griffiths that was from Taynton??

  5. Michelle August 19, 2010 at 8:03 am #

    Oh Rosie, I sort of know where you’re coming from. I’m drinking Klean-prep at this very moment as I’m going in for a colonoscopy this afternoon, and for weeks I’ve been dreading drinking it, because it’s awful, it tastes foul, and makes me sick (as well as the other!), but more than anything it’s the thought of it.
    And now I’m into the third litre of the vile stuff, I’m okay.
    I think a lot of it is pre procedure nerves, and we all build up this picture in our mind and whittle and worry about it.
    I personally would ask for some sort of relaxant, if they will give it to you.
    Take care,

  6. Deb Walker August 19, 2010 at 10:30 am #

    ‘Listening’ lots! Thinking of you more!
    Love and blessings, Deb n gang x

  7. Ali August 19, 2010 at 10:48 am #

    Aw I hope things go well for you. I am sure they must be able to give you a sedative to calm you down a bit, tell them how you feel and see what they suggest.

    Ali xx

  8. Lin August 19, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

    Always listening Ro……thiinking about you baby…..hugs and kisses

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